My childhood Romantic Comedy is wrong, as expected
by Dyx42069
Summary: Youth is an illusion. Therefore, Hachiman decides to start living by his beliefs a little earlier in life so as to prepare himself for the trials to come. As expected, it does not go well. Rating may change to T as story progresses
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: The Boy with an Ever Erect Johnny**

My birth was somewhat similar to the big bang, it was a big explodediotion of boom and color n rainboews. Since I was born I have a raging erected boner. During miscarriage, I ruptured my mother vaginal walls with my dick-hard rock, fortunately this is her fetish so she moaned spiritually in pleasure making two peace signs and doing the ahegao. The doctor was so turned on by this that he orgasmed in two places at the same time.

"Oh yes onii-chan bush-sama did 9/11 ueghhhh"

"Shut the fuck up you nigger cuntfuck!" Shouted the nurse from the corner of the room. She cannot stop him because she is bound with finger spinners to my dead twin brother who my mother miscarried because she forgot to pray to holy allah that morning. But now it was past midnight and my mother have done her daily ritual of goat fucking so I am okay.

My foetal penis was made up two times the length of my mature body, and 420% of my body mass, my father was jealous that he can wank with two fingers so beat me untill I have developed chronic autism and become Japan's only carrier of Up Syndrome because my penis was always up.

Trust me I say wehn ive trying everything to calm my nightmare dong. I once seeing in the news there was a normie who masturbates 27 times in a row and dieded. But my penis was still hard as an infidel wrapped in explosives after 500 jackoffs to my 2D waifutanari for 5 days straight and 34 days gay.

One day, my mom walked in on me jacking off to Hispanic White porn in one tab and in the other tab a fanart of my dead brother with a rolling pin down its anus. My hands are full with wee wee, semen and other bodily fluids. "Fuck boi I need you to do the disheswtf this shit." She was so ashamed that she disown me on the spot while furiously try to jack of with her other hand. She's not my mom so Allah says it's not incest anymore! In fact, my dad was so horny that nightt tit became a hot and steamy fivesome. But we are black so it was actually a threesome.

But when we are having fun and my father giving my mother the good dicksuccing I come in his friend's ass who bit on my father's penis

"AAAAHHHREEEEEEEE STAAAAAAHHHPP"

But it is too late and my father is now my mother. To resolve this problem we walked to the police station to explain but it is hard because a down putted superglue in teh car lubricant we was using and lard oil can only dissolve muslimes. When we got there we saw three police, who saw us too

"Twoo mums? INSHALLAH!" They shouted gleefuly as they are whipping out their already erect richards and are screwing my parents to peces but the more the merrier and soon we are cumming twice as fast than the second coming of allah. But we have to stop because an infedel almost step on the holy Quran I set on the floor last time I came here for an orgy.

After our orgy at the police station, my three parents developed ebola because of the extra chromosomes hiding inside my foreskin's clitoris. As we are cumming so fast before we knew it Saint Nicholas joined in and we brought the coming of Christmas, so I setted out on a quest to turn into a floppier wanker than my father's 60's porn disks again from the Halal Pig in the holy North.

…

~END OF CHAPTER 1~


	2. Chapter 2

It was a sugoi morningyo desu. Hachiman was brushing his teeth. By brushing his teeth, we mean that he was brushing his imouto's teeth. It is important to distinguish the two because one is socially acceptable, while the other is just brushing your teeth. This imouto winced in pain - he had brushed a particularly sensitive spot. Oh yeah she needs to visit the doctor.

Doctor Hachiman then gave her a prostate examination. However, she had to pay extra because she was a nigger. But it was ok because Hachiman was also a nigger so he earned less, but where is money go? THE FUCKING WHITE CAPITALIST AMERICA AND CAPPUCINO COVFEFEF.

Hachiman then proceeded to finger her buttons at utlra hyper super sonic speed, she then became a muslime cos she gotta go fast ! But alas, Her hands were too fast, and Hachiman accidentaly ejaculated twice at the same time.

"Ono!" Hachiman was embarrassed. His imouto instantly disowned him, for ejaculating twice at the same time was a symbol of support for Neo Nazi Americans. Ricahrd was disappointed as imouto was disgrace to the jews; he decided she needed to regain her composure at the concentration camp. So he called up his fuckbuddy Hitler. "Hey yo onii-chan lol my nigger imouto is a Jew fuck".

"Imma got ur ass boi be there in 5. Heil!" Hitler shipped his imouto to Germany on a Thai human trafficking ship. Imouto was terrified, and she shat her pants and stroked her rod to calm down. Hachiman, who had snuk on the ship with her to fap to muslim inmates, started wanking his 2cm/s shaft along with her. Hoewver, in a twist of events, Hitler gassed the whole ship, resulting in the deserved deaths of all the niggers, Jews, and nigger Jews on the ship. But it was ok because holy Allah was waiting for them on the other side. Allah spreads his all embracing arms and welcomed the cucks into the goat/human orgy fest that was heaven. And thus, Noah's ark was established, along with the tsunami due to God getting arouse. The Imouto, who happened to be a hispanic white organ nationalist in disguise, stayed afloat in the storm after furiously trying to jack off with the other hands.

But she had forgotten that her oniichan had cut off her arms last orgy due to his disability fetish, so she just stayed afloat in the storm. An oil tanker streamed past and she spread her loose pussy lips to swallow it whole - it would have to do for now. As she was drenched in oil and other bodily fluids, Hachiman set fire to her to fulfill his pyrophiliac needs. Afterwards he fulfilled his necrophilic needs. Unfortunately, someone saw him in the act, but it was ok because this gave him an opportunity to fulfull his necorphilia threesome fetish. So he did.

"Ughhhhhhhh" he moaned as he came in his imouto's eye holes, but wait.

she was not is dead!

She was actually dead, Hachiman thought she wasn't dead to fulfill his masochistic fetish through the guilt that he came in a live person's eyes.

Upon the contempation, Hachiman ejaculated into his imouto's nostrils. However, Hitler accidentally kick imouto's jaw up, ripping of Hachiman's Richard. His - or rather her - eyes began to tear up in muassive hurt. Suddenly, Hachiman's inner SJW awoken, and "All men are sexist! All white men are racist! All cisgender people are transphobic! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

As the scene descended into chaos, orifices being penetrated by other orifices, suddenly, a toothbrush fell from the sky. Upon seeing the toothbrush, Hachiman realized she had forgotten the sweet sweet memories she had with his beloved onee-chan, turning him on even more. She bit off her imouto's nipple and inserted the toothbrush slowly into the wound. He decided to move a new imouto called Athan and started brushing his teeth. Now, incest is okay, because they are not related by blood!

Oh yeah, turns out they were on the Titanic.

There was a huge bang as the ship crashed into an Iceberg - not like there wasn't already a huge ongoing bang already. The iceberg was secretly gay. Athan jumped onto and mounted the iceberg. His colon felt stimulated to a certain degree Celsius. He felt his rectum getting frostbite, but the pleasure was far greater than the pain. The ice berg was coolly continuing to thrust at an increasing pace. Cool. Wait - NOT COOL. Athan abruptly felt hot all over, like the female lead of a mindbreak doujinshi. Evidently, a severe case of testicular hypothermia. Then, our homeboi Hitler joined in, and Athan would have done an ahegao if not for the millions of Jew penises in his mouth. "Moarrrrr! MOAARRRR!" roared Allah as he watchde the scene unfolding in the mortal world below.

"Fuck you athan" thought Hachiman as imouto's dead body shuddered from his -10th orgasm. Then, all was quiet, until imouto-chan did a postmortem ahegao.

And suddenly, all was quiet again.

~END~

Or is it?

No it is not

Yes. Please.

And so, Hachiman went on a journey to find the Hala pig in the holy north.

But not before remmbering to bring his imouto's death body.

And getting a penis extension so he can suck his own Hachiman.

And stuffing the dead body into a dakimakura.

And wondering what the hell is a dakimakura.

And allah destroyed the earth when he found out what he fucked was not a goat but a dog.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hi Andrew!" said Andrew. "Fishing cocksucker hachiman" said hachimaan. This stunning introduction immediately aroused Andrew's 10 inch cannon. Like, literal cannon. Suddenly, an izumi sagiri strapped with IEDs and explosives wearing nothing but .52 caliber P90s attached to nipple caps rushed B. In self defense, Andrew fired his neo armstrong cyclone jet Armstong no one expects the spanish inquisition.

And this was what started Hitler on his journey to make Germany best country in world. In reality, Hitler was just a salty Jew who wanted sum fuk but had no one to provide bob or vagen. But alas, why did He bring Allah name? The god will surely judge him sinner...

In order to make sure the Jews he fuk was clean, Hitler gave them free shower. But alas, they were haram so the Holy water Hitler used eliminated most of them. Actually it was year 2069. Hitler found time machine while wanking off to SS-Oscheinscheizerfonfuckmeinthepussy and time travelled to an era when there were actually 3 species of jews ! Mm. Delicious juice. But because he did not aim while wanking spanking tanking his dicking he landed in Tokyo and fucked the Shogunate out of the Edo period.

For reasons unknown, Hachikman decided to start a new life in Tokyo. "Ohaiyo morningyo desu." He said.

"Fuck you' Meurican weaboo trash you are no true japenis". Says sagiri, wielding her 12-inch long cannon in Hachiman-desu's facecock.

"Oh no! But I have yet to finish finding the Halal pig in the Holy North" thought Hachimam. So he went to Allah's right hand man Osama for the loan of the genetified Halal certifier.

~TO B CONTINUE in chapter 4~

AUTHOR'S NOTE

We here at Dyx42069 would like to thank our readers for their continuous support! Making these requires a significant amount of effort and skill, and we really appreciate your kind reviews!

Shoutouts to:

\- LazyDude for doing an amazing reading of chapter 1 at watch?v=2HajvFEhnyE

\- Echnoic for suggesting the addition of the show's greatest imouto in chapter 2

\- The Quotable Patella for your sexually stimulating and largely encouraging reviews.

Stay tuned for more! 3


	4. Chapter 4

Hachiman was having a decidedly pleasurable day. He finished his errands, done his homewrrk, prayed to the holy god allah and even got a rimjob from Komachi as punishment. This couldn't really be considered punishment considering that Hachiman enjoyed this immensely with loud orgasmic screaming but we shall touch on Hachiman's masochistic side later in this story. Best of all, it was Christmas! Hachiman's strong belief in the Muslims usually put him off regarding Christmas with anything other than disgust and contempt, but he was in a particularly festive mood today thanks to Komachi's top-notch rimjob, so he decided to spend the day spreading his joy and semen to all that he meets. So, for now, our hero has temporarily halted his search for the halal pig in the holy north.

Hachiman decided to peek into Komachi's room hoping to catch a glimpse of that sweet, sweet futa trap dick. But what surprised him was that Komachi was not in her room. Instead, Hachiman got a mouthful of Santa's futa trap dick.

 _Hmmm, what a tasty surprise!_ Thought Hachiman, slightly confused but aroused nonetheless. Tastes slightly like a certain elf's asshole. Undercooked and raw, but pretty damn good nonetheless. Hachiman considered the fact that Santa Claus belonged in jail for fucking an eleven year old, and concluded that this was why Santa only made his way to earth on Christmas, when all the policemen were in too slightly a horny mood to deal with lolicons. Hachiman could hear Santa's slightly effeminate yet prominent moaning over the Christmas carols blasting in the neighborhood Walmart. ("Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!") Good vibrations.

"Ho!" moaned Santa cathartically, who in orgasmic bliss had forgotten to repeat it three times. Soon, Santa's eggnog was snowing all over Hachiman's face, who was frantically playing with Santa's Jingle Balls, trying to squeeze out some more of Santa's hot chocolate. But just before Hachiman got to enjoy some hot delicious reindeer dick as a christmas present more premature than Hachiman himself, Komachi walked into his room. Naturally, she is not happy.

"Onii-chan y u do dis? Christmas is not about seducing unholy allahless old sugar daddies! It is about familial love!" Komachi exclaimed in disgust. These words sunk deep into Hachiman's heart, making him feel immense guilt, until he realised that Komachi is jacking Santa off as she moaned these words out. Santa moaned in surprised pleasure, before releasing a horrified roar upon realising that Komachi was actually ripping his precious jewels off for their christmas tree decorations in the living room. Eager to defend all of his honour, especially the testicles, Hachiman sank into the sea of logic and gained enlightenment. Then, over a period of time that seemed to last a million years, he gave the wisest reply man has ever encountered.

"ACKTCHUALLY, yes it is." said Hachiman. (Hearing his sage words, in the spirit world, Confuckus gave a nod of approval, and, admitting defeat, passed on the title of "world's wisest genderfluid" to Hachiman. Hachiman has achieved nirvana! Allah was greatly pleasured by his minion's superior intellect.) Thoroughly convinced, Komachi then continued sucking Santa's reindeer cock, stripping and motioning at Hachiman while pointing at her asshole. Hachiman decided to ignore this as his newly enlightened self had realised that incest is wrong!

"Ho, Ho, HO!" Santa screamed in ecstasy, trying and failing to hold in his excitement at Prancer and Blitzen licking his asshole. Hachiman, spotting a section of Santa's anus which wasn't covered in semen, immediately took measures to rect(um)ify the situation. Thankfully, it didn't take long because Hachiman is a quick shot.

Suddenly, due to his sudden enlightenment at the hands of Allah and Confuckus, Hachiman suddenly realized the crucial error in this flawed storyline. Christmas is celebrated by Christians! Was having a massive orgy with Santa, Frosty(frozen carrots are soothing to the large intestine) and the reindeers not to be considered a celebration of Christmas? Smacking himself with this epiphany of his heresy of the highest order, which is to say higher than Komachi on marijuana, Hachiman immediately jumped out the nearest window, and prayed to Allah on his way down for divine redemption. 'My beautiful allah please forgive me for I have been diligent in my goat fucking ritual for the past 420 days' Allah roared in pleasure upon hearing the holy number 420 and proceeded to materialise a smoking cigar of weed in both of Hachiman's mouths.

Meanwhile, in the room, Hachiman was just about to climax into Rudolph's reindeer nostril, while Komachi was busy trying to ingest all of Santa's eggnog into her appendix. Santa lay whimpering, locked in Komachi's closet as he nursed his left hand which had developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from an acute case of overwanking.

Feeling satisfied, Hachiman went back to his room (with his penis still inside Komachi's, of course) and fell asleep. Soon, divine intervention caused him to dream many holy things.

In his dreams, he had a vision from holy Allah themselves! It seems, reaching enlightenment also grants you the status of Prophet. GTFO Mohammed, Prophet Hachiman is here!

"The Halal Pig you are searching for is at Walmart. At an affordable price of $9.99, make sure to get one today to make for an excellent feast on Christmas eve with your infidel friends and family!"

'OwO! I have seen the face of allah!' In order to rush to walmart to buy the Halal Pig, Hachiman spent an hour desperately trying to wake up from his holy dream. It turns out, Hachiman had not actually fallen asleep, but was just watching a Walmart advertisement on the Muslim Channel on TV. However, the details do not matter. He has finally figured out the location of an Halal Pig! Determined, he delicately removed his fingers from Santa's urethra, grabbed his trusty Komachi and started on his journey towards the Halal Pig.

 **Author's Note:**

What challenges will Hachiman face? Only time can tell. Tune in to Chapter 5 to see the continuations of Hachiman's epic journey in search of the Holy Halal Pig.

Merry Christmas, infidels!


End file.
